~1~
Joy gasped as the inhalation of the open air hit her seemingly virgin lungs. Abruptly awoke and buried deep into an abyss of darkness. She feared she was abducted, unable to open her eyes she began to panic tussling around moving her fingers in search of clues to her surroundings. Joy’s arms and legs burned as she tried to free herself. Her eyes moved rapidly under her lids. She was afraid; but fought to calm herself as she called her attention to the footsteps approaching.
Joy swallowed hard and braced herself as best she could as the quickening steps moved closer to her.
“Good morning Mrs. Anderson, we are elated that you are awake.”
“Where am I?” Joy was groggy and in desperate need of water. Her body ached she moaned and groaned trying to adjust herself to a comfortable position.
“Mrs. Anderson, are you ok?”
I am scared I feel as if I am crushed between two walls.” Joy’s eyes were badly bruised and swollen her face was bandaged just as her arms and legs. “I can’t move or open my eyes. What has happened to me? Where is my family?”
“Don’t try to move too suddenly, you are just feeling fatigued and sore. You were in a coma for 3 weeks. I am Dr. Swartz. I was the doctor that operated on you after your accident.”
“Wait… what?’ Joy tried to move but she was sadly mistaken. She could barely wiggle her fingers. Her pain was minimal, but somehow she knew that her injuries were serious. It hurt for Joy to speak. Her forehead creased as she swallowed under her bandaged skull. Her throat felt as if she had swallowed glass. She began to gasp for air.
Dr. Swartz quickly dropped his clipboard onto the bedside table and fetched the cup of ice-cold water, and a straw. “Here Drink this.”
Joy sipped slowly flinching as the cold water wet her palate. Even the cool liquid burned to her throat, the pain was different, as though sores on her tonsils were being burnt away.
“Slow,” Dr. Swartz directed. “Take your time. Your throat is very sensitive as we just removed the tubes from your throat less than 48 hours ago. I can only imagine how thirsty you must be. I want to talk to you a bit about your case.”
Joy slowly wiggled her fingers, indicating that she understood the Dr.’s words.
“Joy you were in a terrible car accident. Your car sped off the road and into the river just below the hill. It is a miracle that you are alive. The impact of the water broke the windshield of the car. You suffered some blow to your head. You slammed into the steering wheel of the automobile, which caused some neurological damage, to your optic nerve.”
“What are you saying?”
“More simply put, the occipital lobe is where sight is processed which comes from the cranial nerve II, the optic nerve,” Dr. Swartz was using hand motions to convey his message. Feeling odd at the silence in the room, he realized that Joy was unable to see his hand gestures. Dr. Swartz called out to Joy to make sure she had not fallen to sleep as he explained his prognosis.
“Joy, your visual perception has been severely damaged. As I’m sure you are aware, that Visual perception is the ability to interpret information and surroundings from the effects of light reaching the eye.” Dr. Swartz paused to try and get some form of response from Joy, indicating she understood his words.
“Wait! What is all this? Is there someone that can come and explain all this in English?”
Dr. Swartz pinched his lips and folded his arms, grateful of Joy‘s inability to witness his growing irritation. He was slightly aggravated having read Joy‘s file. Her level of intelligence was way above average.
Dr. Swartz placed a puzzling hand under his chin, and as if hit with compassion he softened his aggressive tone. Pulling the visitors chair up to the side of Joy’s bed, he cleared his throat and began again. “Mrs. Anderson, due to the severity of your injury’s your retina’s were singed. Which means you may regain some of your sight but not all. Our team of Ophthalmologist’s and I performed an extensive amount of tests to evaluate your sight.
The neurological damage in relation to the brain that allows for vision is severe. We have concluded that you are in fact, legally blind. I know this may be a lot to take in, but I need you to understand what type of life you will lead after sustaining such an injury.”
Joy began to black out. None of what the doctor was saying made any sense. She could not recall the moments leading or following the accident. She had no interest in discussing them either. She wanted to know where her family was.
“Excuse me. I don’t mean to interrupt.” Joy tried to clear her raspy voice unsuccessfully. “I don’t understand. Will I regain my sight?”
“We are not sure Mrs. Anderson. Many people diagnosed with blindness, have experienced periods where they can see clear as day, as if they were never blind. Others see light, shadows, or just can’t see in color. We are however optimistic about your situation. You have surpassed all of our expectations.”
“Where is my family? “
“Your husband is out with your children waiting for the results of my evaluation. I did not tell your husband about your issue with sight. You just woke up and I did not want to overwhelm them with science and medical jargon. I wanted to talk with you to determine how lucid you were. I see that you are a literary agent and hold a degree in psychology yourself, so you understand the functions of the brain and mind.
However, being a victim of such tragic events can alter the most intelligent persons. I would like you to seek counseling. I would also like you to take the time to just recover, this means, NO WORK,” Dr. Swartz tilted his glasses to get a better look at his patient. He could not tell by way of facial expression, her attitude towards the matter; but the silence spoke for itself.
“Joy, it will take you some time to get used to the new you; but I see no reason why you will not be able to continue in your life’s work. You will just have to be patient. I am setting you up with some rehabilitation as your wounds heal. ”
“I understand.” Joy commented without emotion or the slightest interest to continue the conversation. “This is some new me,” Joy whispered sarcastically.
“Mrs. Anderson, with today’s technology you can use the voice command system on your computer to write, and correspond with your clients. You will be fine. The rehab will help you learn how to live with your disability. Many learn to read within a year. I have great confidence in you. I will leave you now to visit with your family. I am sure they are very anxious to speak with you.”
“Wait! Joy took all that she could muster to get the docs attention before he whisked out of the room. Please… do not tell my family about my blindness. I don’t want them to know.”
“I wouldn’t advise you to be silent in a matter as serious as this. You will need all the support you can get.”
“I understand, but if I am going to live with this I need to deal with it in my own way. My family isn’t used to my not being able to carry the world and tend to their needs. I think that they are devastated enough. I will tell them; but in my own way and on my own watch. Please just extend me this courtesy.”
“I have no choice. It is against policy for me to divulge information without consent. I will, however advise you to tell your husband right away. It is important that he understands the extent of your injuries. He seems like a very good man. He hasn’t left this hospital in the three weeks you have been here.”
“Really...” Joy smiled and tried to adjust her position in bed. Joy spoke in an elevated gesture as the annoying twinge continued to aggravate her. Her narcotics must have shut off midsentence. She moaned at the flame of pain that flowed through her torn flesh and broken bones.
“Are you ok, Mrs. Anderson?”
“I think the meds just wore off.”
“Ok, I will get a nurse to get you something for pain right away. In the meantime I will send in your family so that you can see them.”
“Thank you.” Joy was exhausted. She squinted because her eyelids were itching. She grimaced at the agony as she squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to relieve the itchiness.
Dr. Swartz was gone in a flash. His long white jacket flew in the wind as the revolving door closed slowly. Just before the door clicked into its sill, she heard a familiar voice. It was Justin. She tried to pry her eyes open to test the severity of her injuries, but they were glued shut by crusted pus.
Joy began to panic. Her breathing grew rapid and her heart felt as if it were fluttering about in her chest. “What’s happening to me she thought?” Trying to regain her composure she began to tell her self that things were going to be okay. The pain and loss of sight would just be temporary.
Joy was beginning to use her breathing technique to regain control of her mental capacity. Until, suddenly, a woman’s voice uttered words of discouragement. They were so loud and clear she could have sworn the strange woman was standing just over her head.
“You are blind, you idiot. You will never see the faces of your husband and children again. Now look at you. Once again lost and taken into a vulnerable depressive state. Are you trying to kill me? I would just assume so.”
“Hello!” Joy called out frightened by the woman’s words of discouragement. Her pupils moved rapidly under her badly bruised eyelids. “Is anyone there? Who are you? What are you talking about?” Her presence was gone as quick as she came. She whispered into Joy’s ear, leaving behind a cool breeze that frosted the tip of her nose. The sensation was an awakening of her sixth sense.
Joy heard her words, but quickly let them go. She was excited to see her family. Realizing that she would not be able to see their beautiful faces, a tear strolled down the sides of her eye. Her tears began to pour and soaked up by the gauze that covered the remainder of her face. They were quickly absorbed. Joy heard the door of her room open, and then the soft scuffs of little feet. She knew then that her boys were in the room. Lagging behind dragging was her daughter. “How frightened she must be,” Joy thought to herself. She did not want any of her children to see her like this.
Justin stepped forward. She could smell him instantly. Again, the tears wet the dried pus on her eyes. Justin leaned in and touched her dry and cut lips. “I am so sorry,” Justin whispered unable to hold back the emotion that had cut off his breathing. He began to sob hard like a baby and fell into the seat, next to Joy’s bed. Joy wiggled her fingers, as she tried to reach for Justin’s deep shining waves. She longed to touch is soft mane. She wanted to touch him, to comfort him.
It was not his fault as she led him often to believe. He was her muse, and the only one she knew would care enough to listen and take heed to her feelings. Burdened often with the dysfunctions of her family, she held her tongue.
Tired and frustrated with their obvious lack of respect for her, and her own livelihood she took out her anger on Justin often. It was a fight she had not planned. Her anger flowed from deep within her pores. She could not stop her mouth from moving and slaying his very being. She was so angry, so rude and horrifically nasty she herself could not believe it.
Memories prior to her accident started to flow as she calmed the worry from Justin’s brow. She was guilty of tearing him to shreds because of her need for acceptance now she could hardly stand the feel of her own skin.
Her mother showed up at her place of business after years of very little contact to ask her for help. Joy’s mind scattered angrily, but still in need of the comfort and closeness a daughter longs to have with her mother, she let go of the past. Gullible Joy fell for her Mother’s plea and gave her five thousand dollars from their joint account.
Justin was furious when he found out. It was not the money he kept stating to a confused belligerent. Joy It was the fact that she had kept it from him and lied when the bank statement rang true of her deception. Joy grabbed for her purse and threatened to leave him as she always did, when she did not have the answers or when conflict arose.
Justin called her bluff, an unusual stance from his normal reaction to Joy’s threats. He tossed Joy, her keys and blew her a kiss goodbye sarcastically as he knew her better than anyone. Joy shook her thoughts back into reality and managed to abandon her thoughts of guilt.
“It’s Okay.” Joy finally managed to speak. She did not want Justin to feel responsible for her accident. It was neither one of their faults. A driver was careless and lost control.
Joy called her attention to her children. The boys were afraid and stayed towards the back of the room. Joy could feel the tension. She could not see them, but she could hear Jr. asking Ashley if it were their mother under the bandages. He thought that perhaps she was a mummy or ghost.
“Shh!” Ashley whispered loudly, pulling Jr. close by her side. She jerked him so hard. Joy could hear him grunt and his shoes scuff the tile floor.
“Don’t pull on your brother like that Ash,” Joy scolded. “Come to mommy. The three of you, come here. I need to tell you all something.”
Ashley and the two boys inched slowly towards Joy’s bed. Justin gathered himself and picked up his head from his slumped stance. Justin encouraged them to come closer to their mother. Jr. took his small hand and placed it on Joy’s swollen fingers.
“Mom!” he yelled “You in there? What happened to you?”
“Mommy had a little accident, but I am going to be alright. I am glad you are here. Where is your little brother?”
“Right here, open your eyes!”
Justin looked up and took hold of Jr. He placed his hand on the small of his back and began to coach Justin Jr., about his mother’s condition. “Son she can’t open her eyes right now. They are sore, and bruised. Its better if she keeps them closed.”
Ashley was quiet. She didn’t know what to say and she was afraid to come any closer to her mother. Worried that her mother would be angry or sad that she refused engage in the visit, she forced herself to ask her mother if she was in any pain. “Mom, I hope you feel better. Are you in any pain? I could get the nurse.” Ashley felt so uncomfortable she would have given anything to get out of the room. Joy could sense that she wasn’t interested in staying in the room, but decided that she couldn’t give her a pass. Her presence made her feel alive and she needed her children to be close.
“No honey, I feel as good as can be expected. It looks much worse than it is. I can’t see you, but I can tell that you are far away. Could you come closer? Your voice is a mere echo. Why are you so distant?”
“Mom you know I hate hospitals. I hate being here. I hate that you are here. Dad can we go, please…”
Justin looked up with a look on his face that could have killed. Ashley stifled herself abruptly.
“What’s wrong?” Joy said softly. Her throat was hurting and her arms and legs felt crushed. She didn’t want to alarm Justin and the kids, so she pushed the nurse call button discreetly. Justin noticed how quiet Joy had become and that her nurse call button was on.
“Are you ok Joy?”
“Yes, fine.”
“Babe, it’s me you are talking to. If there is something I can do I would like to know?”
“Just a little pain that’s all. I alerted the nurse. The doctor said that he was going to let the nurse know that I needed some medication for my pain, but she has yet to come.”
“How long ago was that Joy?”
“Justin its ok, calm down. The pain just got a little worse. I went ahead and sounded my alarm to remind the nurse’s station is all. Please calm down. I don’t want you to get all worked up for nothing. You should take the kids home. I am sure they have had a long day. I don’t want them to see me like this for too long. Besides the boys could have nightmares. I don’t want them to get this image of me locked into their minds.”
Joy tried to smile but the sores on her lips cracked and started to bleed. She licked her wounds and could taste the salted blood. Justin grabbed for a napkin and wiped her lips softly.
“Justin,” Joy said softly.
“What is it?”
“My lips hurt like hell.”
Justin fiddled around in the drawers next to the bed and retrieved the complimentary chap-stick from the top drawer, to soothe the burn of his wife’s torn lips.
Joy was filled with a soothing sensation a mist the pain, as her husband touched her lips. Joy smiled, “So, how bad do I look? I mean from what you can see. My face feels so swollen under these bandages. What if I don’t look the same? What if my face is deformed or scarred?”
“All that doesn’t matter, I love you. The important thing is that you are alive. I want you to concentrate on getting better, so that you can come home, Ok?”
“Ok.” Joy was weak with pain. The pain had become so unbearable she was nearing her breaking point. She wanted badly to call out for help, but she didn’t want to alarm her children. “J…,” Joy paused as the pain stifled her breathing. “Please take the kids home. I need to get some rest.”
Justin could take a hint. He could tell that Joy was in pain and didn’t want the kids to bear witness to her suffering. “Ok babe, we are going to go home. Get some rest.” Justin coached the kids to come close to their mother and say good- bye. They each gave her a kiss on her lips. Jr. was playing with his mother’s fingers. He didn’t want to leave. He was very protective of his mother.
“Jr., it is time to go. We will come back and visit mom soon.” Jr. stood his ground for a moment later. He retreated when Justin lowered his eyes. Jr. knew he had better do what he was told. Ashley came close to her mother and kissed her softly. She whispered I love you and ran from the room. She was on the verge of tears, and in her preteen year’s it was against the rules to show signs of emotion.
Justin looked down at Joy one last time before grabbing up the boys and retreating from the room. “I love you babe, he whispered as he opened the door to leave. Coming into the room was the nurse, bearing the gift of narcotics.
“It’s about time.” Justin scolded. He couldn’t help himself. It angered him that the doctors and nurses weren’t taking care of Joy. He looked back at Joy smiled and jolted down the hallway to get Ashley.
Joy’s veins warmed as the medicine seeped into her blood stream. In mere moment’s her mind drifted and asleep she went. Numb to the pain, but hurt for her family, as she so longed to be with them.
